1.
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
2.A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression, he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river"
With even greater emphasis, he said,
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river"
And finally, he cried,
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
After a few moments, the song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,
"For our closing song,
let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."
3.
A duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the new to his friends and invited friends to hunt with him and his new dog.As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.The dog however did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting wet more than his paws. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog? ”“I sure did, ” responded his friend. “He can’t swim.
4.Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?""Yep, that's him," he replied.The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"The owner responded, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
5.The visitor stormed back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, snatched it above his head without even looking and drilled three holes in the ceiling.
"Fess up! Which one of you sidewinders stole ma hoss?" he demanded with surprising forcefulness. Silence...No one answered...No one moved.
"Alright," he said. "I'm gonna have another drink, and if Ole Blue ain't back out front BY THE TIME I'M DONE, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND BELIEVE ME, I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
A few minutes later the stranger finished his drink, walked outside, and found Ole Blue hitched back up where he was supposed to be! He swung up into the saddle and was about to ride out of town when the bartender burst out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, I've got to know...What happened in Texas?"
The cowboy reined in, turned back, grinned and said, "I had to walk home."
